FLYED EGG Today John Prescott was still trying to clean the egg of his suit, In a statement, he said " I only punched craig because my hand was itching, and his chin was so convenient. The egg he through at me was free range and the shell was Terra cotta" PLANS ANNOUNCED The Government announced plans today about increasing the number of plans announced. An announcement about the plans is expected tomorrow, ahead of next weeks planned announcement about shelving plans of decreasing the number of plans announced. The Conservatives' have dismissed the plans as unannounceable. PHOTO FINISH The winner of this years Amateur Photographer Competition was East Anglian Engineer, Peter Lindley who picked up £5,000 and a years supply of camera film as first prize. Judges were bowled over by his photo of a boil on his wife's arm entitled 'Snail on a branch'. UNDERCOVER OPERATION Seven hundred breasts were stolen yesturday from America's largest Mammary bank, Fort Knocker's. Sergeant Douglas from the Kentucky Police department said that it's highly likely to be the same people who were responsible for ram-raiding the Bum shop last week. He has urged employee's of the nearby Nipple Refinery to be on the look out for anyone or anything suspicious. "Breasts without nipples are useless" Said Sergeant Douglas.. " Who wants to buy a currentless bun?" FROM RICHES TO RAGS The rich are getting poorer and the poor are getting richer it was revealed yesterday in a survey carried out in the United Kingdom. This includes people that are neither rich nor poor but somewhere in between, with say fifty quid stashed away. A fine example is a man who wishes to remain anonymous, he said "I've not spent a penny in 3 years now, I don't have a job or any income, or a bank account, I do have twenty six pounds though I keep it in a jar and will only use it in an extreme emergency. To get by I help myself to things". Well Terry Farthing, 45 from Weston-Super-Mare, we at nutwedge think that you should go wild, and put the lot on a horse, you never know your luck, you tight fisted freak. ON ALL FOURS An old man is planning to crawl around the World on all fours. 89 year old Billy Brown of the sunny sea-side town Brighton said "I am very confident and excited, although am a bit nervous about meeting the Oceans. His wife Doris, also 89 said "My husband has been practising solid now for 2 weeks, crawling to the bottom of the garden, I haven't seen him for 7 hours now, I think he's resting behind the rose bush" THE LAST PASTA HERO Arnold Schwarzenegger has changed his name to Joe Lee. His original name was so long people would come up to him in the street and ask him to autograph in noodles. On that one occasion he said 'I'll be back!' PICTURE OF STUPIDITY Angry Newly-wed's in Philedephia are sueing they're wedding photographer, Terrance Foss for taking three films worth of photographs of his own eyes. In his defence Mr Foss said "The camera wasn't the wrong way round the Universe was!" SPOTS ON THE MOON Teenagers with severe cases of acne have been advised to go to the moon, it was revealed by a government body earlier this week. Concern into the welfare and existence of the pimpled youngsters is growing after a passport booth exploded, during a 5 minute session with a young pizza face. SIGHT AND SAND Scientists in Jerusalem have discovered that rubbing sand into your eyeballs can irritate them and make you go blind. In a statement Professor Jenkins said 'Aaaarrggh, ouch, me visions not the ticket, ouch after the sand experiment, I'll be straight down the Opticians in the morning" GENIUS READ 'One Hundred Uses for a broken Wigwam' goes on sale tomorrow, Wednesday week, Priced at £11.99 in all good bookshops, Its comprehensive, and genius, and sure to be popular buy for budding gardeners. EX-MAS The Government is planning to abolish Christmas this year, and declare it to be an ordinary day. Anyone in 2001 seen to be celebrating will be arrested and may face a hefty prison sentence. WORLD'S LONGEST COIN? An amateur Metal detectorist from Alice Spring's, Australia, has been jailed for 3 months for digging up what he thought was a long coin. A police spokesman said... "Until the pipe is replaced, thousands of people are without fresh water" SAVE HIS BACON Bob Brownlow, a South London butcher and severe claustrophobic fell into his sausage filling machine last week and hasn't been seen since. The public have been asked to keep they're eyes peeled for sausages shouting - "Let me out, I can't breath" CARETAKER'S HOT AIR N.A.S.A are sueing the caretaker of a balloon factory for the costs of a rescue mission, after he left a door open and the factory blew off into orbit. UNLUCKY BUSKER Jinxed busker Larry Steven's who has sang, danced and juggled on the streets of London for 15 years without ever being given a penny has said.. " There is a negative side to being invisble" STUDY CONCLUSIVE A six month government study into earthquakes has concluded that they do exist. GREEN HOUSES, RED FACES All 2,400 residents of Darton, North Yorkshire have painted they're houses green in protest of plans to build a motorway through the village. The protest was led by local paint shop owner David McDonald who now plans to take early retirement and emigrate to Hawaii. Construction on the bypass starts tomorrow. O.A.P SUICIDE 69 year old Mary Stone from Sheffield killed herself yesturday with sleeping pills. A close friend and neighbour said... "After her pet lobster, Gordon, had died, she lost the will to live, he'd been ill for some time with pincer-twitch, but finding him dead one morning was a big shock. Her only comfort was that the vet said he passed away quietly in his pot. BIG TOOL A D.I.Y. Store owner got into the Guiness Book of Records this week for having the biggest chisel in the World. Wallace Steinbeck from the Guiness book organisation, who verified the attempt said... "You'd only need a chisel this big if you had a stone allergy and lived on Easter Island!" LOSER'S GET THE HUMP Egypt's Annual Camel Racing Festival has been dogged with accusations of foul play after one official was elledged to have been seen pouring petrol into the hump of a competing camel. The animal in question completed the two mile course in 4.2 seconds causing a massive dune-quake. TRAPPED IN A CRABS BODY A Hermit crab living on the beach of Shoreham-by-sea claims he is a human trapped inside a crabs body, 'I don't feel right some how crawling around the shore dragging my pincers, I get urges to paint landscapes, eat ice-creams, and play volleyball' said the crab. He is due to go under the knife and have the 59 hour operation next month. he added "I just want the right to be an ordinary person, that's not too much to ask now is it?" Professor Stephenson of Philidelphia, US said last night "I have only ever carried out one operation like this in my 30 year professional career, and that was to convert a giraffe into a Tarantula. HOT UNDER THE COLLAR The fire Brigade had to be called out to Mexicos Annual Chilli-pepper eating contest after the winner burst into flames. Onlookers were horrified as the short-sighted Mayor awarded the trophy to a pyramid of Ashes. BISCUIT TO THE RESCUE A women swallowed a domino on tuesday, she's in a critical condition at Cardiff General Hospital. Meanwhile, the rogue pimpled piece has been replace down the British Legion with a Borbon biscuit, with a double four strategically painted on with tipEx. BUTTON IT A police informant was found lying in a street yesterday with his mouth sewn up. Speaking through a slipped stitch he said - "That's the last time I grass on sewing machine boot-leggers" He was asked by police to name his attackers but his lips remained sealed. NEW DINOSAUR DISCOVERED! Palaeontologists in Arizona have uncovered a fossil that might finally answer the question of What came first, The chicken or the egg? The answer, it seems is both. The Salmonellasuaurus or "Cheggin" as it is fondly known, which is half chicken, half egg was thought to be a carnivore that fell out of trees, concussing it's prey with it's hard shell before devouring it. Exactly how it consumed its prey through the tough shell casing has divided scientists, although the most common theory suggests a telekenetic consumption or what the Aboriginals refer to as "Nut-Nosh" Cave paintings in nearby "Corrick valley" show scenes of primative man hunting the Salmonellasaurus with spears and sling shots, previous interpretations of the painting suggested that they were hunting a limbless hippo. Professor Aarkman of Arizona State University said... "Until we find more specimens we will have no idea how they interacted or reproduced although the current line of thinking suggests a courtship ritual similar to a game of marbles" AN ARTISTS IMPRESSION OF A CHEGGIN IN FULL SWING The Winner of this years W